So often I hear, hopefully well-meaning, parents say that they want their children to know who is in charge and to do what the parents say because some day, there may be an emergency when they need their children to follow instructions without question. The fear behind this thought process is paralyzing. “I’m going to take away all of your power and autonomy because some day, there might possibly be a scenario in which your life or well-being may depend on your ability to do exactly as you are told.”
I love my children very much and often worry about things which may harm them, but that doesn’t mean I expect them to listen to me without question. Taking away their personhood isn’t a way to save them. When I hear this come up, I bring in an example. “So, for instance, you are in a parking lot with your kids and there is a creepy person who is causing your instincts to go off. You want to be able to tell your kids that you all need to get in the vehicle immediately so you can lock the door and get away from this person, and you want to know your kids will do it.” ”Exactly!” they exclaim, thinking they have found an ally in their thinking.
I then go on to explain that I have been in that exact same situation and that my children did exactly as I asked – not because I go around ordering them around all the time in order to train them (I won’t even start on why I hate to hear about people “training” their children to do what they are told), but because I listen to my children and always try to work with them. They know I don’t pull the “because I said so” card and that if I ask them to do stuff, I probably have a good reason. So, I can quietly say to my children, “Please get in the van quickly. I’ll explain in a minute,” and they will do so – out of respect and understanding.
